and i dont.
sweet, so its settled.

i'm and it's a school night and  i'm the daughter of a frustrated father who thereatened to call the cops on me and i'm at yuliyas and i'm with jeramy and i'm real mad at him because i'm not of fan of lying because i'm one who has been lied to plenty and i'm having to get up at the crack ass of dawn and i'm not sure where i'm sleeping tonight because i'm a person who makes ridiculous decisions but i'm one who is learning from my mistakes in regard to those decisions and i'm now the one to give a boy the boot and i'm becoming more in touch with myself and i'm meeting new people that make me meet new parts of myself and i'm not sure where any of this is going and i'm not sure if it will end well but i'm well aware this is my life and i'm ready to make the best of it.

and now i'm departing to a wine induced narcolepsy,

i'm going to new york in about 7 hours and i'm going to do everything i can while i'm there and make a list of things to do when i go back and i'm going to visit my zombie friend and to all of you who called me creepy for whatever reason that had to do with this person, well a big fuck you to you.. because who does he still keep in contact with? none of you for sure. sooo.... i'm staying in newark for part of the time and i'm going to be very careful because i've heard all kinds of horror tales about that town.

and i refuse to spend any crazy amount of money on something petty.. 9 bucks for a pack of cigarettes.

i think ima be real happy this weekend.
and forgot about charlotte-ians.
familyfriendsschool i'm almost done.


i have 2 a's 2 b's and 2 c's on my report card today and with grades like that ima get OUTTT.

far far far

this weather makes my bones warm and my heart melt in a wayy that i haven't felt since summer. and im all by myself, but in a good way. in a way where i'm not dependent on others to feel happy. but maybe this is just a couple day phase because just a few days ago it was driving me mad. but then again, it was cold just a few days ago also.

i've lost a lot of weight the last 2 weeks. but i kinda feel like i gained it all back in the last two days.

i don't want to audition for ncsa anymore. i just don't want to.
i don't know how to tell anyone that.


i told my parents i'm just going to cpcc for the first two years.
my dad was ok with that. he encouraged it, my mom was down about it. she really wants me to get that  "college experience "
but i just want to live in charlotte and take a lot of road trips.
besides, i would hate everyone in wilmington, and i would hate the weather at any school in the mountains.
and i can't afford to go out of state, and i'd be damned if I were to pay student loans off the rest of my life.

so laura will go to wingate.. or maybe she said winthrop. i dont know my small charlotte universities.  i will go to cpcc. and we will find ourselves an apartment somewhere in between that we will decorate with fine home furnishings and christen with our wonderful coffee table centerpiece and we will live comfortably because it will be like living with a sister who you are comfortable enough to yell at and criticize but someone you love enough and understand enough to accept it and keep going about your business.

plus we would just have a great time and both encourage each other in school.

but then again, this is a year away.
but i'm trying to move out summer before college starts.
and if we want to have it nice, we gotta start planning now.

but who really knows what kinda state we will be in this time next year.

i think if someone can achieve happiness and strength from being dependent solely on themselves, they can do anything.
and the people that fall along with them, are just a luxury.
relationships are luxuries.

this weather makes my bones warm and my heart melt in a wayy that i haven't felt since summer. and im all by myself, but in a good way. in a way where i'm not dependent on others to feel happy. but maybe this is just a couple day phase because just a few days ago it was driving me mad. but then again, it was cold just a few days ago also.

i've lost a lot of weight the last 2 weeks. but i kinda feel like i gained it all back in the last two days.

i don't want to audition for ncsa anymore. i just don't want to.
i don't know how to tell anyone that.


i told my parents i'm just going to cpcc for the first two years.
my dad was ok with that. he encouraged it, my mom was down about it. she really wants me to get that  "college experience "
but i just want to live in charlotte and take a lot of road trips.
besides, i would hate everyone in wilmington, and i would hate the weather at any school in the mountains.
and i can't afford to go out of state, and i'd be damned if I were to pay student loans off the rest of my life.

so laura will go to wingate. i will go to cpcc. and we will find ourselves an apartment somewhere in between that we will decorate with fine home furnishings and christen with our wonderful coffee table centerpiece and we will live comfortably because it will be like living with a sister who you are comfortable enough to yell at and criticize but someone you love enough and understand enough to accept it and keep going about your business.

plus we would just have a great time and both encourage each other in school.

but then again, this is a year away.
but i'm trying to move out summer before college starts.
and if we want to have it nice, we gotta start planning now.

but who really knows what kinda state we will be in this time next year.

i think if someone can achieve happiness and strength from being dependent solely on themselves, they can do anything.
and the people that fall along with them, are just a luxury.
relationships are luxuries.

RENT was phenomenal. Whether anyone likes the show or not, you have to give credit to the actors, really really phenomenal.

I love the feeling I get when I leave a show and even though I already new the ending walking into the place, I still get affected by the story and the characters.

Yesterday was a great day.

i don't understand a damn thing about the opposite sex.

& i don't think i'm supposed to.




but i'm achy and tired and i'm working so hard for so little but maybe it will be more in the end of maybe i'm just always running full speed in a big circle because i always end up right where i started.


which as a matter of fact is no where.

I wish I was a mind reader. I am the worlds worst at questioning people's intentions and analyzing people's actions and words to the point that it drives me crazy. But I was doing pretty well for a while at just not caring. But I quit smoking pot so much, and now I care again. Crazy how that works.

I want a job. So bad. But with rehearsals and school and applying for NCSA I am pressed for time and I suppose I am just going to remain broke and dependent on my dad. I know my parents are there for me to fall back on, and I'm only 17. But I had a taste of financial freedom, and I am cravinggg that again.

Got Doctor's results back. And I'm clean and healthy and all is good. What a relief..

We started a new semester in school, so I'm now in Chemistry and AFM and I couldn't be more annoyed with those two classes. Math and Science are the worst subjects in the entire world, no doubt. I refuse to ever deal with math in a serious manner again once I graduate. I think numbers are a joke. And I think graphing parabolas on a graph is just something to amuse people with. The word parabola in itself is hilarious.

I'm so ready for them to move out. I hurt for my dad, he is such a wonderful person and he shows his love by devoting so much of his time and resources to other people, and as great of a thing that is, he gets stepped on. Nice people get stepped on and taken advantage of, and that's just a fact.

I'm scared I'm going to grow up to be a mini version of my father, after all, he DID raise me. He has his flaws and his demons, but he's not the worst person to look up to. I really didn't realize how much I love him until this year. But seeing how much he gave to this woman, and seeing how it all just crumbled beneath him makes me think it's impossible to stay in love, and be with one person forever. Only one couple in my ENTIREEEE family has remained married and I just think I genetically doomed to being alone. Being alone is way less scary to me than falling for someone and giving my all to a relationship that will eventually just crash and burn. I'm the kind of person that will go out of my way and put forth every bit of me to something I love, but I don't think I will ever let myself get that way with a person. At least not until I've done everything I want to do with my life. I refuse to put aside my dreams for something that can't be promised. Maybe that's selfish and maybe I sound pitiful and scared, but I can't help how I feel. I've already felt myself get too attached to people I know I shouldn't, so I think the best thing for me is to just not pay any attention to the part of me that wants to be with someone.

on an even more depressing note..


I hurt for people who lose loved ones to drugs also. I'm sorry to everyone who was close with Robby, and you're in my thoughts. Hang tight.